What Do You Think Of My Short Story……..?
I’m writing a story and I wrote this and I was wondering what people thought of it. I know it’s not the shortest short story but oh well. Please be honest and don’t say it’s good just too get points. Thanks … here it is:
I stared out the car window. It was raining again, I always hated rainy days, they reminded me of sadness and I never knew why. I sighed; I couldn’t believe I was going to another foster home. I kept moving from one to another, it made me feel like a play toy for a little kid.
“Once again I am very sorry about making you move again, it’s just…..” she let her voice trail on. She looked at me in the rear view mirror her blue eyes filled with sorrow.
“Stop feeling sorry for me I’m fine Mary” I knew she hated it when I called her by her first name, but she didn’t say anything to me. I used to have the coolest social worker, she was fun, kind, playful and we were able to talk to each other, but then one day she got a great job offer and of course she accepted it and she moved to Australia. Now I just have an old boring social worker, I guess Mary is kind of nice but she is still boring all the same.
“Paige I’ve told you this before, please call me Mrs. Jones.” Mary finally answers. Well it took her long enough.
“Ok Mary.” I smiled and she sighed. Ah this is so much fun. Some people say chocolate is good for the soul; I say messing with Mary is good for the soul.
I looked out the window and was mesmerized, the purple heather was beautiful against the dark grass beside it. The rain was beginning to ease a bit which made the country side look even more amazing.
“Please Paige give this woman a chance, she is very nice and I’m sure you will like her. Try to be good”
I smiled “Am I ever anything but?”
‘I’m not joking Paige, I don’t want you to mess this up she is a very nice woman.”
“That’s what you said about Jill” look what happened to her, she ditched me.
“I know you’re upset about Jill, but she really needed that job, I warned everyone that it wasn’t good if you were fostered by your social worker but nobody listened to me” she was acting as if she was the only smart one in the world. I ignored her and went back to staring out the window. It had stopped raining but it was still dark and gloomy outside. Mary tried to star a conversation a few times but all my answers were monosyllabic so she gave up.
I saw a small arch over open gates that said ‘Sheridan Estates’. It looked like it was a nice estate. There were houses with flowers and bushes in the front garden and a huge area of grass with kids playing on it. We went into a driveway. Great, we’re here. Mary turned around and looked at me.
“Ok, at least you look remotely presentable.”
‘Hey what’s that supposed to mean?” I followed her up the drive and to the front door. Just as I was about ring the door bell the door opened. A tall, skinny woman with short brown hair and green eyes greeted me with a smile.
“Oh hello you must be Paige” she looked at me; she did seem different to my other foster mothers so far.
“I hope you don’t mind but I can’t stay and chat. I have to get going. Be good Paige” Mary walked off waving and got into the car and drove away. Great, now I’m alone with her.
“Oh and by the way, my name is Jules” I looked at her but didn’t say anything. “Come in; make your self at home.” There was a small girl standing behind Jules. She was sucking her thumb and twisting her short, curly, blonde hair around her finger.
“This is Lara, she’s five.” Jules says. There is silence for a few minutes.
“Lara, honey, why don’t you show Paige where her room is?” Lara nodded and ran up the stairs. I ran up the blue carpeted stairs after her. I turned left and strait ahead of me there was a door where Lara was standing in the doorway.
“This is your room” I walked in and put my bags down. There was a double bed with deep purple covers on it and a few fluffy cushions were spread across it. The carpet was cream colored and the wall was coco. There was a double wardrobe in the corner that was made out of dark brown wood. Opposite the wardrobe there was a desk with a few draws on one side of it and it was made out of the same wood as the wardrobe. I looked over at Lara.
“Who am I sharing the room with?”
“Nobody, it’s yours. Just for you” she said with a lisp in her voice
“But the room is so big, and so is the bed. Am I really not sharing it with anyone?”
‘I don’t know ask mummy” she skipped down stairs and I ran after her.
‘Do you like your bedroom Paige?” Jules smiled.
“Are you kidding me, it’s huge. Am I really not sharing it?” I have never had my own bedroom before; I always had to share with the other foster kids.
‘Yep, it’s all yours. I’m glad you like it. If you don’t like the color of the wall we can repaint it, or get a new carpet.” Was she really doing this for me or was this a dream?
“It’s perfect Jules, thanks”
“You were going to end up sharing with Ellie, buy I figured you would want some spa
Jules is so nice.
“Oh I almost forgot, the others are out so feel free to look around the house and make your self at home”
I jumped of my bed when I heard the door bell ring.
“Paige, can you come down here for a minute” I ran down the stairs as fast as I could.
“Everyone this is Paige.” Jules looked at me. There were three people standing at the door.
‘This is Ellie, she’s seventeen” she pointed to a girl with black hair and her ears double pierced. She was well built.
“This is Jackie, he’s six months old” she picked up Jackie and he gurgled. He was small and very chubby, with big blue eyes
“And he is Liam,”
“Hi” Liam smiled at me. He had black hair flopping just above his eyes. He had big brown eyes. He had broad shoulders and he was tall.
“Now that you all know each other everyone can talk to one another. I have to go to the shops but I will be back in about half an hour. Ellie, you’re in charge.” Jules handed Jackie to Ellie; she grabbed her coat and walked out the
door.
“So what’s the story with Jules?’ I asked.
“What do you mean by that?” Ellie looked at me questionably.
“Is she rich or something, because this house is huge?”
“Well, she’s wealthy lets just say that” Ellie laughed. I had a feeling that I was going to be very happy here.
News Bulletin
Just yesterday, Paige Reynolds (aged 14) was found by Janet Goldzing (next door neighbor) in her back yard stabbed. Paige was taken to hospital but died earlier today. Jules Philips and her two Eldest children Ellie and Liam Philips were arrested for the murder of Paige and other fostered children. Janet says “I new something was going on, I just wasn’t sure what. I’m just glad that they were arrested for what they did.”
Mary her social worker states that she was ashamed that she was the one who let Jules foster Paige. After Jules’s time in jail she will go a mental home as the police say she has a few ‘problems’. Ellie says “I feel very guilty for what I did, If could turn back the clock, I would change everything.”
Liam says “I know what we did was wrong, and I am very sorry for that,”
We will give you an update tomorrow when we find out more.
By Sherry McConnell.
Is it good? what can I do to make it better? What can i do to improve the News bullition or should I just leave it out altogether and end it where it says "I think I’m going to be very happy here"?
Thanks =)
by the way when it says spa it was supposed to be space… sorry lol.
also do you think I should turn it into a book?
