Ok…bare with me while I try to explain my problem in as few words as possible. 5 years ago, my "ex" left me and my kids with nothing. Without explaining our relationship, he was very manipulative and controlling and ended up with primary custody of the kids in summer of 2007. Please, please, don’t reply with any nasty messages about losing my kids!!! He had money and confidence, neither of which I had because of the marriage. Anyway, for the last year and a half, all three of my kids have been struggling with his relationship with his girlfriend, and the mother of their half sister. My oldest son (now 17) turned to drugs. I found out last summer, but he went into treatment and overcame it. Well, over the summer, he began having serious issues with his father, again. His father started drinking again, which causes him to become extremely controlling and emotionally abusive. My son got the brunt of the abuse! Being a senior in high school, his dad went and pulled him out of a movie in front of his friends because he didn’t know one of the kids. He locked him in his bedroom, took away phones, lights and even went as far as putting patio furniture in his window well so he couldn’t get out. He even went as far as telling my son’s girlfriend and her father that he cheated on her. So…my son relapsed (though I didn’t know this right away). After a week of torment, my son got some help and advice from the school liaison, eventually his father kicked him out and he’s now living with me. After two weeks, I woke my son up to find that he had OD’d on some otr medicine. That’s when I heard of all the stuff my son had been doing since those last weeks with his father up until I took him to the hospital. He admitted to me that he had been so hooked, he went as far as taking my prescriptions (which are now locked up), and even got so desperate, he used a bunch of nicotine patches to see if that would do anything for him. Yes…my son IS getting help!!!!! He’s been drug free thus far, but I do know it’s going to be a struggle for some time, so I continue to monitor him as much as I can without smothering him. Now….here’s my problem:
His fathers girlfriend was kicked out of their house about two weeks before my son. One week later, my son found out she was moved back in. He’s still angry, hurt and feels betrayed. I’ve had him seeing a counselor once a week. Now that we’re coming close to the holidays, his father has been calling me trying to get me to make my son call him. I can’t stress enough just how much talking I do with my son and am always trying to encourage him to talk to his dad!!! I never, ever demean his father or support his not calling him!!!!! But, I don’t MAKE him do it! I kept telling his dad that instead of using me as the middle man, he should send our son an e-mail to tell him some of the things he was telling me to tell him. Like….I’m sorry…..I thought I was doing a good job….I didn’t realize it was wrong, etc. Finally, tonight, his dad asked for his e-dress and sent him an e-mail. It wasn’t long, he didn’t really apologize but it was definitely heartfelt. (My son asked me to read it, I swear) Considering I know the man, I could definitely tell he put alot into the, albeit short, message. Just saying things like, "I miss you" "we would all like to see you for Christmas", stuff like that. However, there was one sentence he tossed in there that upset my son. Something to the effect of "I have to accept that you will have to learn things on your own the hard way." That bothered my son, thinking it was his dad’s way of not owning up to any responsibility. Since then, I’ve talked to my "ex" who is now mad at me because he knows my son has gotten the e-mail and hasn’t called or replied. I’ve been talking to my son and trying to get him to understand that he needs to at least write his father back. If he doesn’t want to get into any long conversation about his feelings, he should at least acknowledge his fathers attempt to talk with him, even if it means just writing and telling him he’s just not ready to talk to or see his dad, grandma or uncle (they too did some harsh things to him). I truly talked to him to get him to see why he should do it. Explain that he can’t keep hiding. While I’m still working on it, I’ve now had his father and another friend of mine tell me that, being my son is still a minor, I need to force him to reply! That being I’m the parent here, if he refuses to at least reply to the e-mail, I should threaten to take away his computer or ground him, or something like that?!!!!! Is this right?!! After a few more times of talking to him, he did eventually tell me he would think about it and that maybe he’ll do it before he goes to bed. But…..is it really right of me to force my 17 year old to talk to his dad who he feels hurt him? I’m stuck!!! I mean, if it were me, and I was the one he didn’t want to talk to, I wouldn’t feel any
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! The answers here have helped ease so much emotional stress!!! Now, I don’t feel obligated as a mother to make him do this!!! Thank you!!!
Technorati Tags: brunt, confidence, dad, drugs, few words, girlfriend, half sister, marriage, medicine, money, nasty messages, nicotine, nicotine patches, Patio Furniture, prescriptions, relationship, reply, school liaison, torment
