It’s long, I know. I’m sorry, but I desperately need help. Someone just please help me. If you’re a male, part of this will disturb you, and that’s a warning. I’m crying out of controllably as I’m typing right now, I can’t even see the keyboard clearly b/c of my eyes all blurred up with tears. Now I stopped crying. I really need help. I’m very depressed. Actually, fuck that. Fuck everything. I feel hopeless & everything. It doesn’t even sound like I’m depressed right now. I just cooked a meal for no reason & I didn’t even eat it, after I placed the pot on the kitchen counter, I just fell on the floor and started crying out of controllably & started moving everywhere on the floor. AS I was cooking the meal, all the bad things Ashleigh has done kept on rushing through my head. After a few minutes later, I started throwing things, screaming a few times really loud, and started banging chair cushions that are stuck on the chairs. Few minutes later when I started crying, my brother Alex came by & asked me why I was crying. I didn’t answer him. Then he just looked at the cooked meal and walked away to his room & locked the door. As I was crying, I was at a school hallway holding onto a bench chair with all the boys staring at me as Mr. Carter told & gestured them to stay back but there’s nobody there, it’s just me, my torturous ill mind, and the kitchen. I’ve been having this problem for awhile now. I’ve already asked a question about this kind of behavior/problem. While I was crying, I felt very ashamed b/c I’m on my period & b/c of that I smelled like fish the whole day at school & I feel so sorry for Ryan & Bo but I don’t know why they didn’t say anything & the people around me who smelled me.; I showered last night but through the night, the blood must’ve absorbed through my underwear but I woke up late today so I didn’t have time to change my underwear but to clean my face, put makeup on, change into everyday wear, & put makeup on so as I was crying, I screamed b/c I felt very shameful & embarrassed & yes, I know that was stupid. Me, my mom, and brother, went to Borders yesterday and while my brother went to the Anime section, me & my mom went to psychology/self-help section. I’ve looked through some helpful books w/ mom & we chose one & bought it. It’s called “The Cognitive Behavioral Workbook for Depression” but I don’t know if it’ll help me. In the kitchen, while I was crying, I was “in my mind”…I was having a talk with counselor Ms. Haly & I’m telling her why I’m depressed & what I’m going through. She calls the therapist & calls my mom. That never happened; it was all in my mind. I think I have an obsessive compulsive disorder because as I was looking through books at borders, I had similar symptoms as that. As I was crying,, this girl named Ashleigh Bryant kept on rushing through my head. In fact, she was one of the reasons why I was crying. She was the “main” reason why I was crying. I kept on wondering why I have to go through this, getting affected by her again & again, go through her every damn week or everyday. I’ve already got into an argument her and it was pretty big enough that the whole 8th grade knew. Other than my dad, she’s affected me, poisoned my self-esteem, caused myself damage, & many other things I can’t remember right now. Her, causing me depression is pretty ridiculous. I always wanted to get even w/ her. Always. I hate that girl. Her making fun of me, talking shit about me during lunch time kept on rushing through my head. I shouldn’t go through this. I can’t even go to the counselor for some sort of help, actually any help, b/c if I tell her about Ashleigh, she’ll tell Ashleigh if she really did this & that, and Ashleigh will deny & Ms. Haly will believe her & Ms. Haly will call my mom about my depression, Ms. Haly will make an appointment w/ a therapist, during our car ride to meet therapist, mom will complain & complain why I couldn’t be strong & hold it any longer, & da da da. I’ve been holding it in for months, years, you name it! I’m sick & tired of being this way, I’m also sick & tired of living this way & typing loads of words to express & tell what I’m going through. I really need help. As I was crying, I was typing down how I felt & what I was going through & what I’m doing but I wasn’t, I was bawling on the kitchen floor & saying in my mind, I should’ve been on the computer and for the first time, express how I truly feel & what I’m going through, after that, I started banging the floor or something. As I was crying, [this was when I crawled from the kitchen floor & went to the piano room//library] thoughts of mom & what’s happening in life started to rush through my head. My mom’s tumor inside her baby womb, as she was holding tight on to my hand trying to control her pain, her depressed, staying up all night stressing & worrying over financial problems & all this mess I don’t even know &/or remember, & seeing her eyes with tears splintering out of it. It’s all fucked up! I hate the way my life is. I try to go back to Jesus & tried to read the bible, but something in the back of my head stops it.. I wanted to do my school homework, but I couldn’t. I don’t want to go to school tomorrow, just thinking of school brings me thoughts of Ashleigh & twists me up, & my depression distracting me during classes. There’s more to it, but I just don’t want to type anymore. If you don’t understand & if you’re having problems yourself then just do other things instead of solving this problem. If you’re confused but still willing to help then please re-read this. I’m not depressed just b/c of Ashleigh, I’m also depressed b/c of my life & mom.