Does anyone mind to read a section of this story and tell me if it’s any good? ?
I woke with a start when I heard someone knocking on my front door. “Is someone there,” I asked groggily, rubbing my eyes and crawling out of bed.
“It’s me, Nevaeh.”
I ran to the door, now excited and less tired. I opened the door and found my friend, Brayden, standing there. He smiled as I motioned for him to step inside. Walking into the living room, we each sat on either end of the sofa.
After a few seconds, I decided to break the silence. “Something wrong?” I asked, anxious.
He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Um,” he murmured, then paused. I waited patiently for him to continue, but he didn’t.
“Yes?” I asked softly.
“Nice pajamas,” he said, chuckling. He seemed to relax just a little as I looked down and noticed that I was wearing my striped pajamas with sheep and the words “cute thing” written all over them. I blushed, but he only chuckled once more. I had a small crush -well not that small- on Brayden. Every time I saw his athletic build, or looked into his deep brown eyes and his beautiful face my heart palpitated.
I cleared my voice, then asked him, “You were saying?”
“Oh…yeah,” he started again, growing tense.
“Go on,” I encouraged him.
He shifted once more, then turned his head and stared me in the eyes. I blushed, as usual. Brayden moved to the middle cushion of the couch, then leaned over, quiet swiftly, and leveled his handsome face to mine. Then, quickly, but gently, kissed me. He looked up into my eyes, as he had before, and held my gaze as I blushed fiercely. My heart seemed to stop.
“Was that okay?” he whispered.
I nodded, mute from his brief kiss. He sat up, his back straight, looking anxious.
“I’m sorry, Nevaeh. I shouldn’t have done that.” He looked at his hands, which pressed together, his thumbs twirling in a circular motion around each other.
(Please don’t be rude, but tell me anything I can change…)
Thx!
sorry..my paragraphs don’t really look like paragraphs. =/
4 Responses
frenchpeopleeath
07 Feb 2010
cathrl69
07 Feb 2010
I think you need to consider how she’d really act. Not what gives you the most dramatic romantic angst.
I mean, if I get knocked out of bed, the very first thing I ask is "what’s wrong?" Probably right after I’ve said "do you know what time it is?" I don’t wait until we’re sitting on the sofa together, and spend time wondering whether to break the silence or not.
You also may want to reconsider the names. Those are very trendy and popular baby names _now_. When’s your story set? If it’s eighteen years in the future, great. If it’s today, they’re very implausible.
madi
07 Feb 2010
I woke with a start when I heard someone knocking on my front door. “Is someone there,” I asked groggily, rubbing my eyes and crawling out of bed.
“It’s me, Nevaeh.”
If someone is knocking on the door, then of course someone is there. So maybe she should ask "Who is it?" instead. And why is she stating who she is? Did you mean to say "It’s me, Brayden"?
The build up is good, but otherwise it is nothing incredibly exciting. And when he asked if it was okay, she nods, but then he says he shouldn’t have done that. If she was okay with that, why is he feeling this way? Try to explain their emotions more and be more descriptive.
I like strawberr
07 Feb 2010
yes it’s good.
I like it.
the kissing scene could be a bit longer but… quite good, really
I would read the next part, too.
i luv it! please post the next part when you’ve written it